Moving at the Speed of Light
by ShadowMoon
Summary: The Life of Captain Falcon. (--- Chapter 8 Uploaded---)
1. Chapter 1: How it All Began....

Disclaimer: I do not own SSB:M or any of its characters.  
  
Moving at the Speed of Light  
  
It all started at the tender age of 3. I was left at the doorstep of an orphanage. I was taken in and put up for adoption. No body wanted me, so they threw me in a dumpster. As I crawled out and managed to make my way to a canyon where a family of Falcons raised me. When I was old enough, I set out for school. To make money, I was forced to be a pizza- delivery boy. You really learn to drive that way. My first customer was a shocker... I remember it like yesterday....  
  
I knocked on the door and waited a while. After about a few minutes, the door slowly opened. There was a short, fat man in blue overalls and a red shirt. He had three chins and his overalls were barely holding in his tremendous bulk. It was Mario! He really let himself go. I watched his lard jiggle as he reached for his wallet.  
  
" Don't you think you should cut down on these, Mario? " I asked.  
  
" Me'sa tell ya when I want some! " He snapped, his chins bounced. Mario got a look of pain over his face. His fat digits clutched his chest.  
  
" Uh oh..." Mario gasped. His eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed. I checked for a pulse and when I discovered none, I took his wallet and the pizza. I figured why would he need them? As I walked to my car laughing, I discovered another short person standing near my car. This man was taller and thinner. He had Green instead of Red. It was Mario's Brother, Luigi.  
  
" You killed a'Mario! " He yelled with anger and shock in his voice.  
  
" I'll bust you up a'good! " He reached into his Tool Box and pulled out a lead pipe. He charged at me. And quick punch to his mid-section made him drop like a bag of bricks. I got into my car and raced away. As I got back to Pizza Town, there was another order waiting for me. The manager told me to be careful with this one. I went back to my car and drove to the address of the customer. I knocked and waited, the door opened......  
  
Author's note: The next chapters will be a lot longer and explain more about C.F. How was it? Should I continue? Go easy on me, first SSB:M fic. 


	2. Chapter 2: Multiple Personalites and the...

Disclaimer: I do not own SSB:M or any of its characters. I also do not own Speed Racer. All of the following is fictional.  
  
Chapter 2: Multiple Personalities and The Navy  
  
In the shadows I could make out a furry silhouette. As it drew closer, I could clearly see that is was an overgrown fox.  
  
" What the hell are you doing here?! Nobody ordered a damn pizza! I'm not paying for it! " Fox screamed and slammed the door in my face. As I turned to walk away, the door opened again.  
  
" Dude, your finally here! I didn't think you were coming! " Fox stated joyfully. I stood there shocked.  
  
" Wait here, I'll get the money dude. " He hurried back inside, but immediately came back.  
  
" I said get the hell outta here! I didn't order that pizza! I'm getting my gun! " He snapped and went back in. Suddenly, he came back out with the money.  
  
" $5.99 my good man! " He said. I had to find out what was going on, so I did it in a polite manner.  
  
" Listen you little freak! " I screamed, picking him up by the neck. " First you told me that you didn't order a pizza and to get outta here! Then you say you'll get the money for it, but you come back threatening me! Do you want it or not?! What the hell is wrong with you?! "  
  
Fox's eyes swelled up with tears.  
  
" It all started with my father. He never hugged me! Why daddy? Why?! You hugged the garbage man! You hugged Slippy! You even hugged Andross! Why daddy?!"  
  
As soon as he started weeping, I set the pizza down and ran for it. I was about to open my car door when I heard a shotgun being loaded. I turned around to see Fox with a crazy look in his eyes and wielding a double-barrel shotgun.  
  
" I'll give the count of three to get outta of here! " He screamed. I panicked as I tried to open the car door.  
  
" 1...." That was the last thing I remember before waking up in the hospital. That little punk shot me right in the rear! The next six months were the worst months of my life. I had visitors I didn't even know. During the first week, Fox came to see my condition.  
  
" I'm sorry I did that! I'm so sorry! " Fox said.  
  
" I forgive you, you weren't in control. " I replied.  
  
" I just want to say again how sorry I really am. " Suddenly, his voice took on a menacing tone.  
  
" Yeah, sorry I didn't finish the job! " He grabbed a pillow and held it over my face for what seemed like an eternity. I franticly pressed the Nurse Help button. As I blacked out, the last thing I remember hearing is the security tackling him to the ground.  
  
After my release, I decided to put my life to good use. So I joined the Navy. I became a first officer within a year. They said I had a knack for ordering people around. Finally the big day came when I was promoted to Captain of the U.S.S. Falcon. It was a nuclear sub, Sea-Wolf Class. After a few years I decided to finish College because everyone needs an education. I like the way Captain Falcon sounded so much; I had my name changed legally to Captain Falcon. After school, I decided to do what I do best. Race. I built my own vehicle. Well, I kinda did. I stole it all except of the hover system from some guy called Speed Racer.  
  
I stole it when he went to get a cup of coffee. I broke his driver-side window and hopped in. I hot-wired it and I was off. I started off small, getting use to driving again. I was racing some kids in a locale Go-Kart Track. I beat `em fair and square. I knocked those little punks off the road. So what if little Timmy can't feel his legs? I still won. Who cares about little Johnny and his vegetable state? Well, when I was ready, I entered the race. I had a little bit a trouble and might have crushed a few people, but I came out in first place! Woohoo!  
  
Then I heard about a Fighting tournament. I decided what the hell, might as well. So I did.  
  
A/N: I know I'm going OOC, but that's what makes writing these stories interesting! And besides, I have yet to see a humorous story with all the characters IC. The next Chapter will be up soon. ^_0 


	3. Chapter 3: The Smash Brothers Studios

Chapter 3: The Smash Brothers Studios  
  
  
  
As I entered the Studios, whom should I see working out but Speed Racer. He stared at me. Suddenly, he charged at me, screaming something about his car. He shoved me against the wall and proceeded to beat mercilessly. The security had to pry him off me.  
  
After some badly need first aid, I was ready to get even. I waited in the parking lot with a bag full of doorknobs. As he walked by me, I slammed the bag into his head with all the force I could muster. His skull cracked like an egg. I stuffed his limp body into the trunk of his new car. I drove it to a nearby lake. As it sank to the bottom I screamed,  
  
" We're even now! " at his now bloated corpse.  
  
I decided to hurry to my first match up. My first opponent was Donkey Kong. As I hurried to the arena, Link stopped and started to talk to me.  
  
" Do you think you could take it easy on Donkey Kong? " He asked.  
  
" Why the hell should I? He's tremendous " I replied. A sad look crossed Link's face.  
  
" I wouldn't be asking you this if he didn't need it. Ever since the botched brain surgery, he's been a little slow. "  
  
" What do you mean? "  
  
" He's has mental disabilities! " Link explained.  
  
" Meaning what? "  
  
" For the love of God you moron, he's retarded! " He snapped.  
  
" Ohhhh! " A sly smiled crossed my face. Link hurried off and I entered the arena, D.K's locale.  
  
The announcer gave our introductions.  
  
" In this corner, standing 9 feet, weighing 875 pounds, the thrilla Gorilla, D.K! Opposite him, standing 6'4, weighing 246 lbs., the man who can, El'capitan, Captain Falcon! "  
  
As we glared at each other, D.K. blurted out.  
  
" Bad man go splat! " With that comment, he slammed his enormous paw on my head. As this happened, my rips snapped like old rubber bands under it's tremendous force. I screamed bloody murder and clawed at his face. I heard D.K scream with pain.  
  
" Bad man hurt eyes! D.K. no see! " I looked at his face and saw blood pouring down from his closed eyelids. Taking the opportunity, I gave a powerful uppercut to his abdomen. As he twitched on the ground with pain, I kneed him in the back of his neck. He went limp. I wanted to make sure he wasn't getting back up, so, putting him in a headlock, I snapped his neck like a twig. I then proceeded to kick him in the face repeatedly.  
  
The announcer then came on with a frantic voice.  
  
" D.K. needs medical attention ASAP! " He then started weeping, " This is the worst  
  
* Sob * thing that I've * Sob * seen in my career! " His voice then turned cheery.  
  
" But at least you know not to mess with Cap'n Falcon! He's my hero! Brought D.K. down to zero! "  
  
The crowd cheered as I walked out of the arena. They also cheered as they took D.K. out on a stretcher. I later found out that he was paralyzed from the neck down and in a coma. He was on life support. I decided that was no life for him. In the middle of the night, I snuck into his private room and switched off his support systems. As he began to breath on his own, he looked up with his one good eye. I grabbed a pillow and held it over his face. When he stopped breathing, I let go. His tongue hung out of his open jaw. I left his room without a sound and headed back to my quarters. Once there, I had a goodnight's sleep.  
  
The next morning, I had a match with Link. He was pretty pissed off at me for snapping D.K.'s neck. I knew with that sword of his, I couldn't beat him, so I strapped a sword to my leg. Other contestants stared at me and often asked why I walked like Frankenstein. I told them I had a bum leg from Yesterdays battle. The sword I stole had a Titanium Alloy blade, which was incredibly durable with a razor sharp edge.  
  
We entered the arena, Hyrule Castle. We stared each other down. We both knew only one would walk out and I knew it was damn sure going to be me. The announcer came on.  
  
" On this side, measuring 5'10, weighing 183 lbs., the hero of cool who comes from Hyrule, Link! And on this side, Standing 6'4, weighing 246 lbs., The master Basher and full-time Smasher, Captain Falcon! "  
  
Link charged at me with his sword and slashed away at me. He cut my left arm horribly, the blood poured out. Luckily, before he could do anymore, I was able to bring him down with a clean leg sweep. It gave me time to draw my sword. As Link set eyes upon it, he gasped.  
  
" How the hell did you get that?! " He exclaimed.  
  
" I stole it off some wino named Marth. " I replied.  
  
Link jumped to his feet and charged at me with the Master Sword. He swung it at me. Luckily, I was able to cut his hand off. He screamed in agony. I started breathing heavily from exhaustion  
  
" Link…* Puff*…I am your father. "  
  
" Really?! " Link cried.  
  
" No, of course not, IDIOT! " I then kicked him in the crotch. He passed out from pain. I decided to have a little fun with Link. I shaved him bald and tattooed " Chrome Dome " on his forehead. I was exhausted as I left the Castle. The crowd cheered once again. Thankfully, I have a day off tomorrow. 


	4. Chapter 4: Hostage Taking and Mountain C...

Chapter 4: Hostage Taking and Mountain Climbing  
  
  
  
Finally, it was my Day-Off. Time to relax and enjoy some matches.  
  
I decided to grab some grub. I was shocked to see some of the other contestants and Harry M. Hand, AKA Master Hand, discussing an important issue.  
  
" Please remain calm everyone! There's nothing to be alarmed about! Everything is under control! " He said over the mega-phone to the terrorized crowd.  
  
" Watcha mean?! Samus took Luigi and the others hostage! " Mario panicked.  
  
" Shut the Hell up and go eat some more, lardo! " Kirby snapped at the jiggling plumber.  
  
" Why don't ya make me, ya pink blob of crap! " Mario returned the insult.  
  
" Oh, it's on now! " Kirby got into his fighting stance. Harry M. picked him up and squeezed him between his index finger and thumb.  
  
" Now stop it! This is no time to fight each other! " He told them. " We have to think of a way to save the hostages! "  
  
I decided it was my turn to join in the conversation.  
  
" I think I can take them out. " I announced. " I'll do the job with my handy switch-blade! "  
  
I tossed it into the air, meaning to catch it. Instead, it went right through my hand.  
  
" Ahhhhhhh!! " I removed the knife and bandaged my hand.  
  
" He'sa sooooo dead. " Mario whispered to Harry.  
  
" Hey Harry Hand, Do you know where she's holding them?" I asked.  
  
" She's has them in the underground shelter. I've heard she's gone mad. "  
  
" Okay, " I started, " I'll do my best. If I don't make it, tell my wife I loved her. "  
  
" Hey! You don't have a wife mister! " Ness interrupted.  
  
" Shut up, Kid! " I slapped him hard across the face. The side of his face was blue and swollen.  
  
" Waaahhhh! " He cried and hurried to his room. I made my way to the elevator and pushed the down button. After a good ten minutes, it finally arrived at the basement shelter. I step off the elevator and took a good look around. The lights were bright and the floor was concrete. The walls were made of harden steel.  
  
As I rounded the corner, I heard a squeaky voice.  
  
" Popo, come quick! An intruder"  
  
I looked down to see what looked like a midget in a pink parka.  
  
" All intruders die! " She came at me with a crazy look in her eyes and a pickaxe.  
  
I swiftly kneed her in the face and tore the pickaxe from her claw- like hand.  
  
I rammed the pickaxe right through the top of her skull. She died on impact. I then slammed her body, pickaxe and all, into "Popo" as hard I could. As he was thrown back, he cracked his cranium on the wall. I continued on my way. I opened the door and went inside. No one seemed to be in the room. As I turned around to leave, a figure landed on me. When it did, it bit my ear hard.  
  
" Oh no! Mike Tyson's finally found me! " I elbowed the person behind me as hard as I could. I turned around to see Marth clutching his bleeding nose.  
  
" You little bastard, let's see how you like it! " I lounged forward. Grabbing his hand, I bit his index finger clean off. Blood shot out from the stump, covering the walls.  
  
" I'm not done yet! " I got him in a headlock and bit his ear off. He began weeping like a little girl. Deciding that he's had enough, I grabbed a bottle of wine and brought it down into the back of his skull. He collapsed in a heap. I grasped his unconscious body and stuffed into a large meat freezer.  
  
" Next time I see you, you'll be a corpsicle! " I taunted the body. I opened the door to the main room. Once there, I came face-to-face with Samus. She was muttering things to herself.  
  
" The Metroid sent you here, didn't it?! " She screamed at me. " They're everywhere ya know!"  
  
" Who are?" I asked.  
  
" They are! The Metroids! " She replied sounding crazy. She then fired an energy bolt at me. It hit me in the shoulder and it burned like the fires of Hell. I hit the ground with a thud. I laid perfectly still, as if I was dead. She takes out a Machete.  
  
" I have to sever the Metroid link in you! "  
  
Thinking quickly, I grabbed the frying pan full of grease from the decapitated body of Mr.Game and Watch. I threw the grease at her helmet. It short-circuited and her screams were heard for about an hour.  
  
" Oh God! " She screamed. " It burns like white fire! Oh God, I'm melting! "  
  
She collapsed. I went into the following room. I found the hostages in small, metal cages, horribly beaten.  
  
" Please'a kill me! " Luigi begged with tears streaming down his swollen face.  
  
I loaded the cages onto a near-by Wheel Barrel and strolled to the nearest elevator. As I approached it, it opened automatically. Out burst Master hand, Kirby, Mario, and the others with assault rifles.  
  
" Get down scum! Oh wait, it's… You? What happened? " Master Hand asked.  
  
" Oh, I took care of the problem. " I replied proudly. Everyone stared in disbelief.  
  
" Oh Luigi! " Mario said. " I've missed'a you! "  
  
" Help me please! She fed us dog food and carbonated water! " He started weeping.  
  
" Hey Mario, there's a snack for you in the freezer. Go check it out. " I said.  
  
" Really? I'll be right'a back! " He hurried down the corner.  
  
" AHHHHHH!!! " He screamed in terror.  
  
Well, so much for my big day-off. I went back to quarters for some much needed rest. 


	5. Chapter 5: The Good Doctor

Chapter 5: The Good Doctor  
  
  
  
I woke up early that morning to prepare for my next match. I had a hardy breakfast of whisky and scotch. I blacked out. When I finally came to, it was time for my match. The battlefield was Peach's castle.  
  
The announcer came on to give our introductions.  
  
" In this corner, standing 6'4, weighing 246 lbs., the hero of the hour, with punches of power, Captain Falcon! And on this side, measuring 3'10, weighing 452 lbs., you'll be in so much pain, you'll wish you were slain, Doctor Mario!  
  
We stared at each other for what seemed like hours. Finally, he spoke up.  
  
" Ten cc's of Whoop-Ass comin' yo way! " He rushed at me at full speed. I was able to knee him in the fore head, causing him to tumble backwards. I began to pummel his bloated stomach with blow after blow. I hesitated for just a second before delivering the final blow, he was able to head-butt me in the groin. I screamed in agony and fell onto my back. He rushed at me and kicked me in the face. He was about to use his heart paddles to try to stop my heart, when out of the sky rocked a Bullet Bill. It slammed into the side of the castle. The whole castle shook with the enormous force of the blast. Suddenly, Doctor Mario's eyes became glassy. He started to have flashbacks of Nom.  
  
" Fred! Get down; I heard some movement in the trees over there! " Dr.Mario shouted. " Boom, crash! FRED! Charlie's everywhere! Damn you, you killed Fred! " He proceeded to strike at the space in front of him." Fred, oh God, Fred! What have they done to you're face? It ain't there no more! " Dr.Mario said in a hysterical voice.  
  
" Fred, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Damn you Charlie! Damn you straight to Hell! " He started to fire his imaginary M16 at the air in front of him.  
  
Taking the opportunity, I reached into his medicine bag and pulled out some animal tranquilizers. I then proceeded to pump him full of it. When I was out of it, he was laying there, drooling. The attendants put him in a body bag and threw him in the back of a van.  
  
" Hey! He's not dead! " I yelled, trying to get their attention. They looked at me and shrugged their shoulders.  
  
" Eh, whatcha gonna do? " They jumped in the van and sped away. I limped out of the arena. Oh God, I was swollen for days. I went to the cafeteria, got a bag of ice, and went to my room. I turned on the TV to see the next match. The battlefield was The Fountain of Dreams. The announcer came on.  
  
" Standing to the right, standing 3'10, weighing 449 lbs, He has three chins, and he commits sins, Maaarrrriiiiooo! Opposite him, measuring 3'5, weighing 98 lbs, he's a pink blob of goo, who's coming after you! Kiiiiiirrrrbbbbyyy! The battle commenced  
  
" Hey Kirby, Uh…is there something your not telling everybody? " Mario asked.  
  
" Huh? What do you mean? " Kirby replied curiously.  
  
" Well, your place, well, its a little… you know." Mario winked.  
  
" Shut up! Just shut up! " Kirby snapped.  
  
" What's matter? Yo don't want your secret getting out? I've seen how you've looked at Cap'n Falcon! "  
  
I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could and proceeded to vomit. I don't know if it was all the whisky and scotch or what Mario said, but all I knew was that I was beyond sick.  
  
" Oh you… you! I'll slap your lard around! " Kirby growled.  
  
" Oh, I'll bet you'd like that, eh Kirby? " Mario sneered.  
  
Kirby's eyes turned red. He charged at Mario. Mario let loose a fireball right at Kirby. He rolled back in pain.  
  
" Oh God! You Bastard! You burned my face! My pretty face! " He screeched.  
  
" Shuddup, Pinky! " Mario laughed.  
  
Kirby suddenly jumped above Mario and morphed into a weight. He landed land on him, crushing him. Mario cries of pain were stifled beneath the weight. Kirby returned to his original shape and began ridiculing Mario.  
  
" Ha, ha, Lardo can't feel his legs! " He laughed.  
  
Mario staggered to his bloated feet. They both ran at each other. Mario jumped in the air and did a spinning back-kick, which sent Kirby flying towards the fountain. I really was surprised that he was able to do such a maneuver, being such a  
  
lard ass and all. Kirby ran to smash open a barrel. Inside was a large explosive device.  
  
" If I'm going down, I'm bringing you to Hell with me! " Mario grabbed onto Kirby so he couldn't flee. The bomb explodes, knocking them both unconscious. The match called a draw. After another bottle of my special " Victory Juice", I passed out onto my bed like God intended. 


	6. Chapter 6: A Night On the Town

Chapter 6: A Night On the Town  
  
  
  
After I healed up a bit, I decided to relax with a nice night out. I opened the door to the Falcon Flyer and hopped in. I was a little rusty from lack of driving, but it's like riding a bike, you never forget. Except for those three hit-and-runs I committed. I decided to take a nice, quiet walk through the park.  
  
As I passed a large plant, I saw a familiar figure peering from behind it. It was Mario all bandaged up. As I came closer, a twig broke under my foot. He turned around, shocked.  
  
" Oh, it'sa you! " he sighed, obviously relived. " Want to see'a something funny? "  
  
" Uh… Sure, Porky." I replied.  
  
" Shut'a up and look! " He pointed towards a short, round figure in a brown over-coat.  
  
It was obviously Kirby trying to disguise his identity. We watched quietly as he walked into a bar called "The Man-Pit".  
  
" See'a? I knew it! " He said smugly.  
  
" Uh… Its like you're obsessed with it. "  
  
" Watch'a mean? " He asked surprised.  
  
" Never mind. Uh… I got to go. " I quietly walked away.  
  
I walked around for about three hours, and then I decided I needed a drink. I walked into a sports bar and ordered a drink. Some other contestants were there as well. Mewtwo and Sheik sat beside me, and were obviously involved in a disagreement.  
  
" I'm telling ya man! They faked the whole moon landing. It was all a big conspiracy! " Sheik said, Drunkenly.  
  
" That's bullcrap man and you know it! " Mewtwo shouted angrily.  
  
" We have photographic evidence and all that crap that proves we didn't! "  
  
" Shut up you damn conspiracy nut! " Mewtwo snapped.  
  
" Why you…! " Sheik growled, throwing Mewtwo against the other side of the bar, landing on the pool table.  
  
" I'll teach you to mess with me! " Mewtwo started lobbing billiard balls at Sheik.  
  
The 8-ball hit her hit between the eyes, knocking her to the ground.  
  
" Here comes the finisher! " Mewtwo declared, charging up a Shadow Ball.  
  
Sheik rolled to her feet in time to see the Shadow Ball coming towards her. She narrowly dodged it. The blast hit the bartender and sent him hurling against the wall. He collapsed in pain. The liquor cabinets tipped forward and crushed him. I decided enough was enough. I positioned myself behind Mewtwo. Picking up a pool-cube, I proceeded to break it in half against his back. He fell to the ground out cold. That set off a bar room brawl. Bodies were flying through the air, bones were breaking, and faces were being smashed in, and a good laugh was had by all.  
  
I decided I had enough carnage for one night and left the sports bar. As I walked down the dimly light streets, I stepped on something squishy. I was almost afraid to look down.  
  
" Ow'a! You stepped on my stomach'a! "  
  
I look down and saw Luigi. He was covered in filth and the stench of human waste was all over him.  
  
" What in the name of God happened to you? " I asked, covering my nose from the foul odor.  
  
" Mario and I'a had a fight. He accused me of trying to steal Peach! He kicked me out! I had to sleep in the cemetery for a week. They finally found me and kicked me out, but not before beating me'a mercilessly with their shovels. "  
  
" Wow, you've had it rough… You poor piece of crap you…" I replied.  
  
" I'a need some money for food and a bath…" Luigi said, trying to convince me to give him some money. Suddenly, Young Link passed by us.  
  
" Filthy hobo! " He shouted at Luigi. " How dare you filth our filthless streets with your filth! Why don't you drag your filthy self to a filthy alley and die a filthy death! There the filthy rats will feast upon your filthy flesh, you filthy piece of filth! "  
  
" I've had'a enough of this! " Luigi jabbed Young Link in the neck, causing him to fall to his knees, gasping for air.  
  
Luigi reached into Young Link's pocket and yanked out his wallet. I continued my walk. I was crossing a rough part of town when I heard a voice coming from the shadows.  
  
" Pssst… Hey man, wanna buy some of my 'special' potions? "  
  
" Huh? What? " I turned to look at the shadows. A figure slowly emerged from the darkness. It was Gannondorf dressed in a black trench coat.  
  
" Com'on man! You know you wanna buy some! " He opened his trench coat to revile some viles full of some sort of 'mystical' potion.  
  
" Sorry man, I don't do that stuff. " I said.  
  
" Fine man. " He returned to the shadows.  
  
" What a weirdo…" I said to myself.  
  
" Hey! I heard that! " Gannondorf yelled. I quickly walked away.  
  
I returned to my Falcon Flyer. As I was about to enter, I heard a voice.  
  
" There he is! Let's get him boys! "  
  
I turned to see Mewtwo Bandaged up. With him were Pikachu, Pichu, Jigglypuff, Clefairy, and Charmander. They wore gold and silver bandanas, obviously, their gang colors. Pichu tried to electrocute me. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a rubber trash can lid and shielded myself from the blast. I tossed the lid as hard as I could at the yellow mouse. It sent him hurtling into a brick wall, crushing his chest cavity.  
  
Next up was Charmander. He charged at me. I jumped out of the way. He couldn't stop in time and slammed into the side of the Falcon Flyer, cracking his skull wide opened. I grabbed him and squeezed with all my might. The fires of Hell shout from his mouth, setting Clefairy and Jigglypuff ablaze. They ran into the night, screaming in untold agony. Pikachu fired his electro shocker. It caught me off guard. I was barely able to dodge it when I saw a Shadow Ball flying towards me. On impact, it sent me flying threw the windshield of another vehicle.  
  
" Get in Pikachu! " Mewtwo called to him. They hopped in and sped off.  
  
" No one touches the Falcon Flyer! " I said as I emerged from the shattered glass. I reached into my pocket and grabbed a detonator. I pressed the button, causing the Falcon Flyer to erupt into a ball of Hell fire. I decided to call it a night. I limped back to the studios and had a goodnight's rest. 


	7. Chapter 7: Ship Wreck On Mario Land

Chapter 7: Ship Wreck on Mario Land  
  
  
  
The next morning after my night out, Harry M. Hand had a special announcement for the all the contestants.  
  
" Okay contestants, we're offering you a three hour fishing trip/tour. Remember, this is optional, but if you want to join us, please raise your hand so I can be sure to have enough room you all of you. " Harry explained. Mario was the first to speak up.  
  
" Peach and I'a want to join'a the trip! "  
  
" Excellent! " Harry exclaimed.  
  
I figured what the hell, might as well, and I joined the small group.  
  
" If that fat plumber's going, then I going too! " Bowser shouted angrily.  
  
" Good, good, four contestants already signed up! Anyone else want to come along on the trip? "  
  
" Well, I have nothing better to do. Sign me up. God, my life is sad…" Roy sighed, obviously depressed.  
  
" I love fishing! " Kirby exclaimed joyfully.  
  
" Hey, why not? Count me in! " Falco declared.  
  
" Who the hell are you? " I asked the blue bird.  
  
" I'm here to replace Mr. Game and Watch. " He replied.  
  
" Oh yeah… I forgot that he was decapitated…Eh, I didn't even like that poor bastard. " I shrugged. I noticed Link and Zelda walking down the hallway.  
  
" Hey bowling ball head! " I waved, mocking him.  
  
" Stop calling me that! You know my hair's growing back and I had the doctors burn that tattoo you gave me off! " He sneered.  
  
" Oh, I see they also reattached your hand…" I replied.  
  
" Yeah, they did. They gave me some medicine to take, but it made it hard to sleep at night, so I stop taking it three days ago. Now I sleep like a baby, but I don't think my hand's healing right…"  
  
I then noticed his hand. It was swollen to three times its normal size and it was dark purple. My eyes nearly popped out of my skull when I saw it. It was one of the most grotesque things I have ever seen.  
  
" God almighty! " I managed to choke out. I tried to pry my eyes from the horrid sight.  
  
" Its kind of numb for some reason, but it'll be okay…" He replied. Suddenly, the malformed limb fell to the ground. " Damn, that's the second time this week! "  
  
He picked up the dastardly hand headed to the emergency room.  
  
" Oh, and sign Zelda and me up for the trip tomorrow! "  
  
" Are you sure about this? " Harry replied sheepishly.  
  
" Don't worry; it'll be back on by tomorrow. What time do we leave? " Link asked.  
  
" 8:00 AM sharp. We'll gather our luggage and take the bus to the docks. "  
  
" See ya then! " Link exited the studios.  
  
" Luggage? " I asked. " Why the hell would we need luggage on a three hour trip? " " Well, it could get cold and what if your clothes get wet? You can never be too prepared." He stated. I headed back to my quarters to pack up.  
  
I awoke to the blazing sound of my digital alarm. I couldn't find the off button, so I forced to crush it in my powerful hand. I took a quick shower and got dressed. I had the breakfast of champions, whisky and vodka. I grabbed my luggage and headed towards the main room. All the others were ready to go, except Harry.  
  
" Oh my God, I over slept, my damn alarm clock broke! " I turned to see him rushing to the main room.  
  
" Hey Harry, where's Charles (AKA Crazy hand)? " I asked, puzzled my absence.  
  
" The institution caught him again. It was his third breakout this month. They're going to perform a lobotomy on him if he does it again. Poor guy, he's so pumped full of drugs that he thinks he's a pony! " He said grimly.  
  
" I really didn't need to know all that…" I replied.  
  
" Oh, I see everyone's ready, let's go! "  
  
We followed him out side to a waiting school bus.  
  
" Uh…." I hesitated. " Why are we going on a school bus? "  
  
" Well, the third grade class is going on a field trip down to the docks. Since half their class is home sick with the flu, they let us ride down to the docks with them. "  
  
" Okay…" I said absent-mindedly.  
  
I sat in the far back next to Mario and Peach. Once in awhile, Mario would distract the kids while I stole one of their lunches until one of the volunteer parents noticed us.  
  
" What do you think you're doing?! Stealing lunches from little kids?! God, I don't even think they should allow freaks like you come on this bus anyway! " One of them scowled. Now that made me mad.  
  
I picked the man up by the collar. I opened the emergency door in the back and toss him out as we were speeding down the highway at sixty mph.  
  
" Daddy!!! NO! " One of the kids screamed as his father tumbled down the highway, finally coming to a stop right in the path of a SUV. The youngster started weeping loudly. I close the door and returned to my seat.  
  
In the front of the bus, a puzzled third grader took a seat next to Roy.  
  
" What's the matter mister? You look sad! " He asked him.  
  
" I am sad, kid. " Roy replied, starring at the floor.  
  
" Why mister? "  
  
" I was a prince until my kingdom was taken from me!" He began weeping and going on about his stolen kingdom. The kid raised his hand.  
  
" Teacher, can I change seats? " He asked. " He's depressing me! "  
  
" Of course you can Johnny! " The teacher replied. The kid arose from Roy's side and went towards the mid-section.  
  
We finally arrived at the docks. The water was clean and blue.  
  
" There's the ship! " Harry pointed out. " The S.S Minnow! "  
  
" Why does that sound so familiar? " Peach questioned. " It's probably nothing…"  
  
As we came to the bridge connecting to the boat, we saw a fat man in a blue top and gray pants with a captain's hat. He looked like he was asleep.  
  
" Is that the captain? " Zelda asked with concern in her voice.  
  
" That I am, miss! " His eyes shot open. " You can call me Skipper. "  
  
" Don't you have a real name? " I asked.  
  
" Nope, just Skipper. " He replied.  
  
" Hey, where's the first mate? We need help with out luggage! " Bowser demanded.  
  
" You mean backstabber! " Suddenly, The Skipper's eyes became as cold as steel.  
  
" What do you mean? " I asked innocently.  
  
" I treated him like my own flesh and blood! But what does he do? He steals most of my money and buys his own ship! And what do I do? I end up broke and sleeping on the floor of my ship. I can barely pay the harbor fees. As far as I'm concerned, he died a long time ago! " His voice was filled with murderous rage.  
  
We grabbed our luggage and boarded the Minnow.  
  
" Okay, everyone ready? Good. " The Skipper started the engines.  
  
About an hour into the journey, the weather started getting rough.  
  
" Hey Skip, did you check the weather reports? " I asked.  
  
" Of course not! What's the adventure in that? " He joyfully said.  
  
" Why in the name of God didn't you?! " I yelled at the top of my lungs.  
  
" I never do! It makes the trip so much more exciting! " He explained crazily.  
  
" Oh my God'a, he's a mad man! " Mario screamed.  
  
" I'm not! I'm just a good'ol type of adventurer! You know, the type that set their hair on fire and see just how long they can stand the intense pain or who like to break apart killer bee hive and rub the enraged bees across their naked flesh to see just how many stings they can take before passing out! "  
  
The others and I went into the lower deck. About ten minutes later, I came topside to check on him. I found him slumped over the wheel with a note pinned to his sleeve. It read:  
  
I just can't take my life anymore! They're going to reposses my boat! My little buddy is gone and I have nothing to life for, so I have overdosed on my anti-depressants!  
  
- The Skipper  
  
I starred at the corpse that used to be the Skipper.  
  
" Uh…everyone… you might want to come see this, but beware, its kind of gruesome." I called to the lower deck.  
  
"Now what'sa matter did he kill'a himself or something." Mario asked obviously annoyed  
  
"As a matter of fact, yes!" I screamed at him  
  
"Oh my god, oh my god!" Kirby said trembling. " We're all gonna die! We're have to resort to cannibalism! I claim hanging gut over there! " He pointed at Mario.  
  
Suddenly, the tiny ship was tossed. Everyone was thrown from side to side.  
  
" Get below deck! I can handle this! " I called to them.  
  
" It's your funeral! " Bowser returned the call. After that, they went below.  
  
It was me against nature. I struggled against the awesome might of nature. At one point, the boat nearly capsized. It took all my might to keep that from happening. As the weather started to calm down, I blacked out. I awoke to find myself lying on loose sand.  
  
I looked around to find palm trees and an ocean as far as I could see. I Heard movement behind me. I turned around to see Harry gathering wood.  
  
" Oh, you're up! " He said surprised.  
  
" What happened? " I asked.  
  
" You blacked out. Thank God you were able to steer the ship through the storm…" He replied.  
  
" Where is the Minnow? "  
  
" It was torn apart. Good thing were had The Skipper's body, we were able to ride him to shore," He set the firewood down.  
  
" Where are the others? "  
  
" They trying to find food, " Harry said.  
  
" How do we get off this God-forsaken island? " I asked annoyed.  
  
" I'm sure we'll find a way. " He said.  
  
I decided to sing a song I made up.  
  
" Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,  
  
A tale of a fateful trip. It started from  
  
This tropic shore, aboard this tiny ship  
  
The Swordsmen was a depressed former prince  
  
The New captain brave and sure  
  
Nine passengers set sail that day  
  
For a three-hour tour, a three-hour tour  
  
The weather started getting rough  
  
The tiny ship was tossed  
  
If not for the courage of the fearless captain  
  
The Minnow would be lost, The Minnow would be lost  
  
They washed up on this tiny desert isle  
  
The Swordsmen, The captain too,  
  
Mario, and the Princess, Link and Zelda  
  
And the rest, here on Smash Bros. Isle "  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Next Chapter- Chapter 8: Life On the Island 


	8. Chapter 8: Chills and Thrills On Luigi's...

Chapter 8: Chills and Thrills on Luigi's Haunted Hills  
  
  
  
  
  
I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock.  
  
" Huh? What the hell? It must've been a dream…"  
  
I quickly took a shower and got dressed. I headed to the cafeteria to grab some grub. I just walked in when Luigi came charging through the entrance.  
  
" Hey'a everybody! I won a mansion! For free'a! " Luigi yelled, triumphantly.  
  
" Who the hell gives out free mansions? " Kirby demanded.  
  
" Com'on, it's gotta be a trick! No one just gives away mansions! " I said with suspicion evident in my tone.  
  
" Someone'a does. See'a? " He handed me a letter of notification.  
  
It read:  
  
Dear Mr.Luigi,  
  
We are pleased to inform you that you've won a free mansion in our Hell House Sweepstakes. To claim your prize, you must bring eight of your friends, including your brother to the address provided. A caretaker will be waiting for you to claim your prize. The address is 1313 MockingBird Lane.  
  
Yours truly, K.B.  
  
" Isn't there something weird about this whole situation? " I asked.  
  
" What'a do you mean? " Luigi asked puzzled.  
  
" Okay, firstly, 1313 MockingBird Lane is from 'The Munsters'. Secondly, As far as I know, there is no Hell House Sweepstakes."  
  
" You're just'a being paranoid'a. " Mario snapped. " Besides'a, it's not'a your mansion, it's ours! "  
  
" Hey'a, who wants to'a go with me'a? " Luigi asked with cheer in his eyes.  
  
" I've got to see what's up with this mansion crap…" I spoke with doubt in my voice.  
  
" Sure let's go! " Roy said smiling.  
  
" Hey, you're sure cheerful lately." Link said. " What's up? "  
  
" I've received several shock treatment sessions. Everything is so beautiful and alive! "  
  
" Oh my God, they fried your brain! You poor Bastard! " I said, shocked.  
  
" Oh Mario, can I please come? " Peach asked Mario.  
  
" Sure'a Peach! "  
  
" Count me and Zelda in! Since you're rich now, can I borrow a couple hundred? " Link pleaded.  
  
" Win'a your own mansion, you damn bum! " Luigi said with anger in his voice.  
  
" Hey, maybe there'll be something I can steal… I need the money. I had to sell my Star to some damn teenagers! I know they'll wreck it…" Kirby whispered to himself. " I'll go! "  
  
" Hey Lard Ass, you wanna come?" I asked Ness nicely.  
  
" Wahhhhhhh! I'm not fat! I have an eating disorder! It's not funny! " Ness's words were cut out by his persistent crying.  
  
" Stop it now or you get a boot to the face!" I tried to reason with Ness. With that, Ness grew deathly quiet.  
  
Everyone went to start packing for the trip. I still had my doubts, so I packed my bags with various instruments of death. An assault rifle, twin Uzi's, duel Semi-auto pistols, and a real big knife I found underneath my bed. I had no idea how it got there. I went to the garage and pulled in front of the building. Everyone began loading their luggage in the trunk. I gave them a few of rules on the road.  
  
"Rule number one, you dent my car, I dent your face. Rule two, who ever fights in the car will get tossed out into the oncoming lane. Rule three, do not lecture me on safe driving; I'm the best damn driver you've ever seen! I'll get us there in half the time! A third if you don't mind committing vehicular Manslaughter. Now that you know the rules, get in before I drive off with out you."  
  
Everybody agreed and loaded into my vehicle. Luigi sat next to me in the passenger seat.  
  
In the middle sat Mario, Peach, and Kirby. In the back sat Ness, Link, and Zelda. Roy volunteered to lay in the trunk with the luggage. I guess he didn't mind. We headed out.  
  
" Which ramp do I take to get on the freeway, Luigi? "  
  
" The I-105! " Luigi said, studding a map.  
  
I moved into the lane next to me. I approached the ramp and was about to enter the freeway when I was cut off by a Red SUV.  
  
" That Bastard cut me off! " I screamed with rage. I was so angry, I ripped the rear view mirror from the ceiling.  
  
" Calm'a down! It's no big deal! " Mario said.  
  
" Shut the hell up, you hunk of fat! " I screamed.  
  
I sped up and rammed the back of the SUV. I went in the other lane and knocked it off the road into the embankment. I pulled to a stop and hopped out. I hurried to his tinted driver's side window.  
  
" You dirty…" My fist flew through the window. The glass shattered as the force of my punch broke his jaw and most of his teeth. I then pulled his unconcious body onto the dirt. I gasped in surprise.  
  
" Oh God! What've I done? " I ran back to the Falcon Flyer and sped off.  
  
" What's the matter Cap'n Falcon? You look like you've seen a ghost! " Ness asked me.  
  
" I... beat up a guy with no legs…" I said, shaking. " I think I broke his jaw…"  
  
The car was deathly silent for the rest of the trip. After a good three or fours hours, we arrived at our destination. Lightning flashed as we pulled up to the house. It had an eerie presence to it.  
  
" Okay, everybody off! " I said. I pulled to a stop. We went to get our belongings. I opened the trunk.  
  
" Whew! Good thing you opened the trunk! I was starting to run out of air! " Roy said smiling.  
  
Where grabbed our stuff and headed towards the large double doors. Luigi rang the doorbell. Nobody answered. Luigi was about to ring it again when the door slowly creaked open. We entered the main hall. It was a huge room with staircases running along both sides of the walls. A large, glass chandelier hung over head. The flames of the candles lit the dim room.  
  
" Hmmm… Not a bad place… But everyone be careful. For all we know, there could some deranged psychopath on the loose. If that were the case, everyone except I would be killed. I say Mario would be the first to go. He can barely breathe when he walks quickly. Then probably Ness…" I said.  
  
" Let's explore'a! " Luigi suggested. A loud crash is heard from up stairs.  
  
" Uh-oh…" I set my bag down. " Okay, everybody arm themselves! I'm taking this." I reached for the assault rifle. Mario and Luigi picked up an Uzi each. Zelda and Peach look the dual pistols. Kirby armed himself with his Star Mallet. Roy and Link unsheathed their sword.  
  
" Everyone, get in a formation. Mario, Luigi, get to my right! Link and Roy, get to my left. Everyone else, stay behind us! "  
  
We head up the stairs. We opened the double door. It was pitch black. We heard footsteps to our right.  
  
" Everyone! Fire! " I commanded. Small bursts of flames erupted as we fired at the unknown figure.  
  
Suddenly, the light flashed on. We looked around the bullet- riddled room until we came upon the tattered remains of the figure.  
  
" Toad! " Peach ran over to him. " Oh my God he's dead! "  
  
" Well, his brains are splattered on the wall, I'm pretty sure he's dead! " Kirby pointed out.  
  
" I guess we're having mushroom for dinner tonight…" Link said.  
  
After a fine cuisine of Baked mushroom and red wine, each of us retired to our rooms.  
  
I entered my room and turned on the lights. It was a large room with a queen-sized bed.  
  
" They call this place a mansion? It doesn't even have a TV! " I said yawning. I laid down in bed and turned off the small lamp on the nightstand next to me. I awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of whispers.  
  
" Who's there? " No reply. I went to turn the lamp on. It didn't work. Thinking quickly, I grabbed my flashlight and searched the room. A figure moved in the corner of my eye. I fixed the flashlight on it. It was a pale translucent blue. It was there for a split second before disappearing. It seemed to be laughing at me. I ran towards the door and tried to open it. It wouldn't budge. I heard more laughing. I turned around to see several more of them. Each one a different shade. I ripped the door off the hinges and ran down the hall terrified. I arrived in the main hall. There, three others greeted me. Luigi, Link, Roy, and Ness.  
  
" Thank God you're alive! We thought we were the only ones left! " Link exclaimed.  
  
  
  
Next Chapter- Chapter 9: And the Ghosts Keep Rolling On 


End file.
